Bec Zugor

In my last post, I asked Mrs Darcy some probing questions. I’d heard about Jonathan Pinnock’s month-long blog tour to promote his book Mrs Darcy versus the Aliens, and I wanted to be in on the action. As I’ve been in awe of Mr P for some time, I thought if I tried to interview him I’d embarrass myself by speaking gibberish. So it seemed simpler to chat to Mrs Darcy instead.

It was fun and afterwards I breathed a sigh of relief that I’d managed to do my first ever interview without getting flustered.

The blog post was up on the site for a whole day before I re-read it and realised that I’d forgotten to mention the name of the book! Am I the world’s worst interviewer, or what?! I’ve now added the book title to the original post, and to atone for my slip-up, I’ll mention it again. It’s called Mrs Darcy versus the Aliens, and it’s very funny, and there’s more info here.

And here’s another pic of the book, next to the iron which Mrs Darcy failed to get the hang of. Oh, and the title is Mrs Darcy versus the Aliens. Now you know.

Today I’m thrilled to have Mrs Darcy visiting my humble ironing board. She’s not only going to answer a few questions that I’ve been dying to ask her; she’s actually offered to help do my ironing! What’s not to love? Mrs Darcy – or may I call you Elizabeth? – welcome. That little light’s gone out, so the iron’s at the right temperature. We can start.

I heard about your encounter with aliens. How should one dispose of a pile of hacked-off tentacles?

Dear me, such a vexatious question to start with! To be perfectly frank, I usually leave that kind of thing to Hollander or Dench. However, I understand they usually feed them to Mr McAvoy, our aging cat. Although now I come to think about it, Mr McA has been behaving curiously of late, and he has begun to make a queer kind of k’Ek-Ek-Ek noise instead of meowing.

Is there some kind of magic afoot with this iron of yours, by the way? ’Tis curious the way it lights up as if there were a miniature candle inside. And why does it have to be attached to the wall?

It lights up again when... Noooo! You weren’t supposed to do stuff from the delicates pile. You’ve melted my knickers! Are alien tentacles edible, and do you have a favourite recipe you’d like to share?

I do so apologise for the damage to your extraordinary nethergarments. As regards recipes, I understand from Cook that only the very tips of the tentacles are suitable for human consumption. These should be poached lightly and then dipped in some of Mistress Sawalha’s Fine Lowlands Sauce.

Sounds yummy. If you were abducted and taken off to an alien’s home planet, what three items would you want to take with you, and why?

My prettiest bonnet, a dozen of Farmer Olivier’s fine pork pies (very useful in close combat) and a good supply of string. You can never have too much string.

Watch where you’re spraying that water, Mrs Darcy. That went dangerously near the plug. What’s your favourite daydream?

Heaven forfend that I might yield to you such intimate secrets! There are some things that even my dearest Fitzy shall never be privy to.

There’s a book about your alien encounter, and I spy a pearl necklace on the cover. I’ve read an extract which mentioned a pearl necklace. Do you recommend that type of jewellery for genteel ladies?

Generally speaking, yes. However, if Lord Byron offers you one, I would treat the matter with a considerable degree of circumspection.

Will do. Thanks for the warning. A bit free with the steam button, aren’t we? The ironing board’ll be too damp for me to write on later. Do you ever wish you were a man?

Once again I apologise to you: this iron of yours is surely the work of the Devil Himself! Do I ever wish I were a man? Great heavens, no! Why on earth should I wish for that? All that posturing and stupidity! And the facial hair! It must be such a burden for the poor dears.

That leads on to my next question nicely. What do you really think about Jonathan Pinnock, who wrote about you and the aliens?

Speak not of this vile individual who has betrayed myself and my family in this despicable manner. Rather, cast him into the very pit of Hell where he belongs. Or at least do so until he offers me with a half-decent royalty share arrangement.

Right. Pinnock to pit of Hell. Let’s see him write himself out of that one. Tell us a little about the book, 'Mrs Darcy versus the Aliens'.

Well, ’tis a ripping yarn indeed. There are tentacled aliens, ghosts, divers strange contraptions, a dirigible and the aforementioned Lord Byron. There is also a pigeon called Colin.

Sounds exciting! Talking of contraptions, I think I’d better finish the ironing later, but it was very kind of you to, er... help. It’s been lovely chatting with you, Mrs Darcy. Thank you.


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